These Worlds

me:

walks into living room

tv:

tonight on how its made

me:

stands in same spot for 30 minutes watching how garbage bags are made

Reblog or your mom will die in 928 seconds.

stardusttx:

twirliest:

steampoweredplayer:

lollie-pond:

larryismyhallelujah:

thetasrose:

peachy-blisss:

myswagisnice:

I love my mom.

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I am risking nothing

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I AM SORRY FOLLOWERS, I LOVE MY MOMMY

Will not risk.

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sorry followers :(

omg im so glad to se so many people love their mummy

Why’re you being mean to my mum?

goddamn it

Nope. Googled it. 15 minuets. Nope. Not taking any chances

Koop

This has 1.2 million reblogs …
Ps not riskin it

1.4 almost
ps not risking it

(via meulindaleijon)

jaclcfrost:

[finds the most sarcastic asshole in the series] my love

(via meulindaleijon)

shikarius:

Dad’s gotten 1000% better talking about periods since we started using Shark Week euphemisms:

"Ah, it’s Shark Week?" = "Ah, you started your period?"

"Harpoons on deck?" = "Do you have enough pads/tampons/etc?"

"Chum stocks are holding?" = "Do you need chocolate/midol?"

"Supplies are low cap’n" = "Yes, please."

"What kind (of shark) is it?" = "How do you feel?"

  • "It’s a Nurse Shark" = "I’m fine/not bad"
  • "GREAT WHITE OFF THE STARBOARD BOW" = "FUCKING OW"

(via jamsdat)

http://e-zekiel.tumblr.com/post/94091891182/ever-so-slightly-monstrous

ever-so-slightly-monstrous:

th1ngsth4tm4k3m3h4ppy:

thepageofhopes:

misanthropicshenanigans:

inconsistentblogger:

I want to get people into Welcome to Night Vale, but it’s so hard to sell like “hey if you like gay radio show hosts and totalitarian goverents and…

(via honeybeesandapplepie)

saywhatjessie:

rexuality:

a person complaining about puns basically invites every pun enthusiast in the vicinity to come snapping rhythmically from the shadows 

(via meulindaleijon)


party in aisle 15

fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

(Source: bellecs, via the-puddinator)

myfriendscallmemaury:


uberfaenatic:

starkinglyhandsome:

cloudyobsession:

yourlocalpsychopath:

randomthingieshere:

abbysrwk:

paradoxsocks:

merlinsbearditsthedoctor:

gallifreyanprincess:

merlinsbearditsthedoctor:

pizzaforpresident:

why are people even questioning obesity in america

why is your tea liquidised?

….. Where exactly do you live that the tea isn’t liquid?!?

ENGLAND. WHERE IT IS IN A BAG AND YOU MAKE IT YOURSELF.

like what do you do with already liquid tea? Microwave it?

No it’s sweet tea you drink it cold

WHO DRINKS COLD TEA???

HAVE YOU NEVER HAD ICED/SWEET TEA BEFORE?!?

so i reblogged this from a british person and i’ve been laughing at their tags for 600 years





England, you stole tea from China.  You’ve had it a mere 4 centuries compared to their 30+.  Don’t play like you’re some kind of authority.

[skeletons ooh-ing]

Shots fired. World War Tea has officially begun.

#INTO THE HARBOR

myfriendscallmemaury:

uberfaenatic:

starkinglyhandsome:

cloudyobsession:

yourlocalpsychopath:

randomthingieshere:

abbysrwk:

paradoxsocks:

merlinsbearditsthedoctor:

gallifreyanprincess:

merlinsbearditsthedoctor:

pizzaforpresident:

why are people even questioning obesity in america

why is your tea liquidised?

….. Where exactly do you live that the tea isn’t liquid?!?

ENGLAND. WHERE IT IS IN A BAG AND YOU MAKE IT YOURSELF.

image

like what do you do with already liquid tea? Microwave it?

No it’s sweet tea you drink it cold

WHO DRINKS COLD TEA???

HAVE YOU NEVER HAD ICED/SWEET TEA BEFORE?!?

so i reblogged this from a british person and i’ve been laughing at their tags for 600 years

image

image

image

image

England, you stole tea from China.  You’ve had it a mere 4 centuries compared to their 30+.  Don’t play like you’re some kind of authority.

[skeletons ooh-ing]

Shots fired. World War Tea has officially begun.

(via meulindaleijon)

I’ve discovered there’s a lot you can do inside haunted houses.

fictionalfeather:

For example, you can:

  • be in a shampoo commercial

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  • start a boy band:

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  • spot some choice booty:

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  • break into song:

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  • see some people in frankly offensive outfits:

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  • attend a metal show:

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  • listen to some sick jams:

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  • discover zombieism:

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  • sample some tasty snacks:

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  • watch someone get burned bad:

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  • find something you really like:

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  • find something you really, really like:

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  • find something you REALLY REALLY LIKE:

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  • and wonder if you left the stove on:

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(via meulindaleijon)